201212
by RandomRachel
Summary: I needed something tangible, a reminder that it was worth it in the end. The pain as needles entered my skin made me clench my teeth. My fingers twitched involuntarily but I kept my arm steady. It was over in half an hour. "All done." the guy said, moving back to let me look at it. I gazed at the angry, red skin. The plain black ink, bold and permanent at the top of my bicep.


Hiya! I'm not that pleased with this but I don't know how to make it better and the story wouldn't get out of my head. If anyone follows my other story, I know I'm taking the mick but I am still writing it. Pinkie swear! Thanks for reading and please review! XD (T for language)

20/12/12  
  
Everything was perfect for a while. A day. One amazing, brilliant day. We were happy, genuinely happy and there was nothing holding us back.

Everything fell apart though, afterwards, like it always does. Nothing lasts forever but we didn't last a week. I should've seen it coming. No one can be that high up for long, you have to come back down eventually. We came crashing down alright and, God, did it hurt. I swore to him we could make it work. That it didn't matter about his Dad. I told him we could take care of it together. He was running scared though. Panicking. He told me that he had to leave. He couldn't face his Dad. I told him to talk to Cheryl but he said it wasn't an option.  
_  
"Why not? She'd listen if you talked to her. She could help you." I tried to reason but he shook his head._

"I can't Steven. Maybe I'm a coward but I can't do it. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. It's not your fault."

"I can't stay here." He told me and he wouldn't meet my eyes.

"You're leaving?"

"Yeah. I'm leaving... Just me."

"What? But-" He couldn't. He couldn't leave me. Not again. I needed him.

"I'm sorry, Steven. That's just the way it's gotta be." He sounded resigned as though he always knew he'd end up alone in the end. It killed me.

I wanted to fight him. To yell and scream and beg. To show his that there was another way out. I didn't want to lose him. Not after Dublin, not when I knew just how good it could be. He looked so young though. Like a little kid. He was still just a boy when it came to his dad. Still just a lost little boy and I wanted to help him. Save him. But I couldn't make him face up to his past, not if he wasn't ready. I knew he needed to escape and, if being alone is what he wanted, who was I to question it? I wanted what was best for him. I let him leave without a fight because I knew it was what he wanted. I guess that's what love is, right? Doing what's best for someone else, even if it kills you in the process. Saying goodbye though... it was the hardest thing I've ever done.

_"You don't have to do this. We can leave together. I can come with you." I couldn't help myself from trying, just one more time. I would've followed him anywhere._

"No. You've got to stay here and look after the kids. They need some stability and, right now, I don't want you's around me. I'm a mess, Steven. If I hurt you cause of that... I wouldn't forgive myself."

"You wouldn't. You're not that person anymore."

"You've got more faith in me than I have."

"I trust you. God, I love you! Please don't do this." I was crying then. Tears streaming down my face. I didn't wipe then away. I didn't care.

"I'm sorry, Steven." He said and he meant it. I could see it in his eyes, the way they glistened with unshed tears. He was hurting just as much as me.

"Will I see you again?"

"I hope so." He pulled me towards him and he clung to me like I was the only thing keeping him afloat. I didn't want to let him go. Not ever. Not for anyone. My mind went into overdrive, trying to memories everything at once. The feel of his warm body beside mine. The sound of his breathing, heavy and reassuring in my ear. The smell of him - dark and musky and intoxicating. The sound of his voice. The way he said my name. He pulled back and suddenly I was staring into his eyes. Blue and honest and beautiful. I kissed him and he let out a surprised mumble before he was kissing me back, desperate and fierce. My tongue met his and I searched past the taste of toothpaste until all I could taste was him. In that moment, he was everything. He was the world and the moon and the stars all at once. All I could feel was his mouth against mine, his hands on my neck. How was I meant to say goodbye to him?

"I love you, Steven." He mumbled against my mouth and I believed him. "More than anything. Never forget that."

"I love you." I whispered and I could hear the grief in my own voice. The pain and frustration and fear. I was losing him all over again and I was terrified. I did love him, so fucking much. I would've given anything for him to change his mind, tell me to pack a bag. We could've ran away. Together. We could've been amazing.

He let me go though. Like he always did in the end. He got in the car but he still looked back. Just once.

"Goodbye Steven. I love you." The words meant everything to me and nothing at all. He drove away and kept fucking driving. 

He left me behind. I didn't move on, I didn't know how. Life went on though. I had kids to take care of and I couldn't let them down. Cheryl kept phoning me. I answered the first time. Told her that Brendan was gone. She didn't understand though.

_"But things were going great between you two. I thought you's were gonna be together."_

"Yeah, well so did I." I told her bitterly and hung up.

That was the only time I spoke to her. I couldn't help resenting her, just a little bit. She was so clueless, blind to the pain her brother was in. She didn't see the way he flinched whenever her dad spoke. Didn't see the fear in his eyes or fakery in his smile. She didn't want to see. She was daddy's little girl after all. I couldn't speak to her. I didn't trust myself not to say something I'd regret. Especially when she was always with her dad. I couldn't even look at him. If I let myself I was afraid of what I would do. I didn't think it was possible to hate someone as much as I hated that man. He was a monster. A disgusting, worthless bastard and he deserved to die. It was his fault that I was alone. He'd broke his son, hurt him and abused him. I could've killed him for the pain he'd caused.

Slowly but surely, I was forgetting. When Amy came back, five months later, she found me in pieces. I told her what happened. How I'd left Doug and chased Brendan. How it all fell apart.

_"It's for the best, Ste. You and him... you'll never work out. You're incompatible."_

"You don't understand." I said because how could she? She wasn't there through it all. She would never see Brendan as anything more than a thug. She would never know him like I did.

"You're right. I don't understand. You can't really think that it was worth it. All that pain, all the times he hit you or let you down or made you cry. It can't have been worth it."

"Yeah, it was." I told her and I believed it. If I could go back, I wouldn't change it. "Because I might not have him now, but I did and it was amazing."

I needed to remind myself that it was real. That we were happy, completely happy, even if it was only for a day. It was hard to remember why it was worth it when everyone told me how much better off I was without him. Everyone in the village had an opinion and not one opinion was good. They all saw me as a victim, abused and abandoned by a psycho. Not one of them understood. They weren't there when it was all going right. When the sun was shining and the fucking stars aligned and everything was perfect. When there was just us, together finally with nothing holding us back. They weren't there when we were in the hotel. Reconnecting and rediscovering and feeling like we'd never been apart. They weren't there when we he let me in. When he trusted me enough to show me his weaknesses. They weren't there when I dragged him back from the edge. They weren't there when we smashed up his past. Throwing things just because we could, because it was liberating and when he kissed me it felt like freedom. They weren't there when we had the world at our feat and the future ahead of us, full of promise and possibilities.

I needed something tangible, a reminder that it was worth it in the end. The pain as needles entered my skin made me clench my teeth. My fingers twitched involuntarily but I kept my arm steady. It was over in half an hour.

"All done." the guy said, moving back to let me look at it. I gazed at the angry, red skin. The plain black ink, bold and permanent at the top of my bicep.

**21/12/12  
No regrets  
**  
I smiled, small and genuine. Maybe things hadn't worked out the way I wanted them to, maybe it still hurt every fucking day, but I would always have Dublin. Nobody could take that away from me.

Rachey Ayy xx


End file.
